Fear

I have noticed a pattern in my life. My brain latches onto fears and turns them into terrors. My brain takes things I cannot possibly understand and scares me into thinking that perhaps they are true of me. When I am scared, I become almost obsessive about whatever it is I am scared of, thinking about my fears constantly. In these moments, I ask God to come and help me to weed my garden, to help me remove the thorns that are creeping up and killing, stealing, and destroying. My fears are from the enemy and reflect a lack of faith in a particular area of my life.

Wow, that is a big confession to start off a blog post. But, I think this is necessary. God commands us to confess our sins to one another. You know what I have found as I have obeyed this command? I am not alone! I have always met others who share my fears, but I don't know that others are struggling with the same fear until I confess my fear and sin. Satan hates the light, when I bring my sin and fears out into the light by sharing them with others something amazing happens - I suddenly realize how small and light my fears are. My faith is encouraged and my mind is freed when I share my fears with others. Now, let me clarify here that I still have to actively work to keep my mind from fixating on my fears but I am encouraged in this fight against Satan when I share my fears and realize that I am not alone.

I bring this topic up now because I admit that I have been down right terrified at moments during this MBA journey. I have sat and cried with my husband as I feel the weightiness of God's calling on us.

I don't want to sell our little home - the home where Mike and I got to know each other, where he proposed, where we have started our life together. I look around and see the mantel that I so wanted and Mike surprised me with for my birthday. I see the partially chewed bathroom cabinet that Leia chewed the first week we brought her home. The front door that Mike and I labored over for weeks, staining and sealing the door. The walls that Mike painted before our wedding so that the home would become our home that we share together and not the same house that he had lived in for the prior four years.

I don't want to leave our community. The community that has supported us through thick and thin. The community who has constantly pointed us back to Christ over the last several years. The community who has cried with us, laughed with us, sat with us in silence when there weren't words to be said, and offered words of advice or comfort when they were needed. The community that has become such a strong part of who we are, who has refined us as iron sharpens iron.

I don't want to take up all of our time and money and dedicate it to my MBA. Northwestern (Kellogg) lovingly refers to spouses as "joint ventures" (or JVs) because of the commitment required on behalf of our spouses. I don't want to drag Mike into that - I don't want to limit the amount of time we have together. I don't want to add more stress into our relationship which my studies will surely do. I want to have time to explore a new city together and make wonderful memories together - I don't want much of that time to be taken up by class and studying.

And so, I sit here crying and basically crippled by my fear. But there is one word that repeats itself over and over above - "I." The last three paragraphs are about me - what I want and do not want. It neglects what God wants. It neglects what Mike wants.

I cannot help but think about the word "comfort." Is comfort a positive word or a negative word? Is it good for us to stay here in our comfortable lives and not move? Is it a practice in contentment? Or, does God desire to move us out of our comfort and into a place of desperate dependence?

So many of you have been so supportive and encouraging during this journey - we cannot thank you enough for all of your support. But, we have also been met with criticism and skepticism. To be honest, I have never struggled with the skepticism of others as much as I have recently. It is hard and scary to follow Jesus, this is always true and it is especially true right now. Some seemingly harsh words have the ability to send me soaring into cycles of doubt and tears as I worry about everything I wrote about above and much more. I want to abandon this whole journey and just stay here in our comfortable life; but, every time I reach this place I am reminded of the big ways that God has shown up on this journey so far and the big things He continues to ask of me. At the end of the day, we must do what is right in the eyes of God, even if the whole world hates us for it.

And so, friends, will you join us in praying against fear and doubt? Pray for God to weed my garden of the thorns that try to grow and choke the good fruit God is trying to produce. Pray for clarity and unity regarding God's path and plan for us. Pray for patience in the waiting.

If you worry and obsess over your fears, know that you are not alone and that I am praying for you specifically this week.